Diary of a Heretic

How often do we find ourselves being pulled in a multitude of directions, and we do the things we do because we believe we have a responsibility to live up to other people’s expectations? Problems arise however, when we don’t live authentic lives for our self. We spend so much time striving to put the pieces of our lives into place, striving to be that perfect employee, the perfect wife/husband, the perfect parent and before we know it, we find ourselves completely lost to a life that represents who we truly are.

This week I had a situation where I became totally exhausted, and I had to take a day off from work to recover. I realized I had run myself ragged, trying to meet my ever increasing list of responsibilities. At the last full moon circle, I had opportunity to look into the depths of my soul and assess if I was being true to my authentic self. Over the past few days, I have come to realize that I had fallen into a rut and that I was not being true to myself.

Our physical time is limited on this earth, so we should live from the heart, without the shackles of regret. What we believe about ourselves is what we will become. Rather than going through life pursuing the person you think you “should be” or are “supposed to be”, you should stop – breathe – reflect, and then reconnect with the true self that lies within.

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
~ Tao Te Ching

Of late I have been doing some spring cleaning and clearing out the dead wood from my life. It is amazing how the dead wood surfaces over the winter months of reflection. Strangely enough it coincides with my downsizing program which started back in April. I decided that I should lose weight and get fit, so over the past few months I have been downsizing literally, 2 dress sizes actually.

As the season changed to Spring so did my psyche; the tarot card the Knight of Swords defines this time of change. The card indicated that a clearing process is taking place, which entails a time of pruning, and of honing issues down into essentials.

The question I needed to ask was, “What do I need to prune in my life right now?” It was time for me to make space for growth and to allow space to breathe and be, to experience new joy and energy levels. As I took a look around me I wondered how on earth did I allow all this physical and emotional clutter to accumulate!

So at the moment I am engaged in pulling out my allegorical fallen branches and twigs and piling them up for disposal. It is amazing how over time the deadwood accumulates in the form of interests no longer pursued, possessions migrating to storage, and relationships altered as people live, die, and change. This project will no doubt take quite some time; after all it took years to accumulate. In the not too distant future I will need to think about new directions and decide what new trees and bushes I should plant.

I opine that a person’s life is like a forest. If one does not clear out the undergrowth from time to time, it accumulates until a once living wood becomes a dead wood.

Change is definitely in the air; thank goodness the days are gradually getting longer and warmer. Last Sunday’s meditation in the Royal National Park was a great opportunity for me to ground and connect to nature and bask in the sun, which was just what I needed after a month of frustrations and miscommunications.

The recent eclipses seemed to place an emphasis on communication, in fact on the day of the solar eclipse my new laptop crashed. I thought to myself at the time that this was quite ominous; eclipses have a habit of bringing misfortune in one form or another. Thinking back to previous eclipses they all seemed to precipitate a series of corrections which include breakdown in friendships, a broken elbow, a smashed car and a torn knee cartilage, so on that scale a broken laptop didn’t seem too bad. It was the long drawn out process of getting it fixed that provided the frustration. It appears that even if you are covered by a warranty nobody wants to know you, and forget about customer service, it just doesn’t exist. Anyway to cut a long story short on the day I decided that I wasn’t going worry about the laptop, that it just wasn’t that important in the scheme of things, I managed to get my problem resolved.

In contemplation I realised that the laptop which I bought to write circle stuff on my train journey to and from work was being used on trivial pursuits and was taking me away from my valuable thinking and meditating time. There is one thing that I can attest to from past experience; Spirit can have a very abrupt way of changing one’s priorities when it perceives you are not taking the correct course of action. So in order to get a clearer understanding of the situation I consulted the runes. The result was Hagalaz – Hail.

Disruptive Natural Forces – Change, freedom, invention and liberation are all attributes of this Rune. Drawing it indicates a pressing need within the psyche to break free from constricting identification with material reality and to experience the world of archetypal mind.

Hagalaz is one of the Cycle Runes, and the term “radical discontinuity” best describes the action of this eclipse in this situation. Well, a lesson learnt and my errant ways to and from work have now been radically modified and the spiritual channels of communication have now been opened.

While trying to keep up with the challenges of everyday living, it can be difficult to achieve life balance. With the approach of the Spring Equinox, now is a good time to step back and ask, “Am I spending my time and energy on the ‘right’ things?” Prioritisation and balance are the key issues here, which do seem to be constant challenges in my life.

Reference: http://www.flicks.com/~pcrowley/Runes/FramePick.html

Over the past few years I have made a conscious effort to tap into the energies of the stars and the planets and although I am not an astrologer I am beginning to appreciate the knowledge that can be gained just through the process of observing the effects of these cosmic events.

Since becoming more ‘aware’, I have noticed the changes in my own life circumstances, which have coincided with these planetary transits, and in particular with the lunar and solar eclipses. I have come to realise that the energies of the eclipses have a tendency to illuminate your path and can liberate you from situations that have become far too limiting. I know that the outcomes can sometimes be painful but I do believe there are spiritual gains if you just allow yourself to move in harmony with the peaks and the troughs of these celestial currents.

As the winter gives way to spring hopefully these cosmic energies can help us clear away old patterns of behaviour and illuminate our inner journey so that we can come to a deeper understanding of our purpose and who we really are.

In the still darkness of the night
I am an emerging evolution.
My inner self dissipated into a celestial similtude.
I am nothing like, but more than absolute.
My connection transverses time and space.
Its journey becomes the Quest and the Grail eternal.

Sometimes life can feel like a roller coaster and can take you on unforeseen journeys. Spirit has this peculiar habit of thrusting me into somewhat mystifying situations and sometimes I don’t quite understand their reasoning, but I have come to realise that one should always expect the unexpected and see life in terms of cycles and circles, ebbs and flows.

Recently I have come in contact with members of my old band Wildwood, and it was rather strange how it all came about. I had a tarot reading and the woman giving the reading said that I would come in contact with friends from the past within the week, and in a space of week I received a phone call from one band member and then the next week I literally ran into another in a shop near my work.

On the Queen’s birthday long weekend, we all finally got together at Grenfell for a reunion after 30 years of separation. We brought with us our guitars and on the Saturday afternoon, we sat around the kitchen table to talk about old times and we played our music. We started with a favourite ‘Our House’ and the chords, the vocals and harmonies all just fell in to place like magic. It was truly an emotional moment and a couple of us shed a few tears reliving those halcyon times.

It was truly a wonderful weekend, the highlight was a gathering of friends, family, and other musicians around a fire pit, where we sang, laughed, and lost ourselves in the joy of the moment. At the end of the weekend we all promised that, we would do this again next year. We are even going to organise a pub gig for that weekend. Now that our friendship has been renewed, I look forward to playing our music again. It is funny how the wheel turns and life comes full circle.

Sometimes I feel that I am invisible, not in the physical sense but in the sense that I believe I don’t get any recognition for anything that I do.  Ok I know it is an ego thing and perhaps I don’t do anything worthy of recognition but still it is one of my frustration points.

Recently I discovered that Chiron sits in Capricorn in my natal chart, after reading through the interpretation, the reason for me feeling like I am invisible became apparent. Basically the interpretation highlighted that I bear the pain of not being recognised or understood.  Evidently at the heart of Capricorn there is a driving ambition, a need for status, respect and reward, and when Chiron is in Capricorn, you can get so caught up in achieving higher and higher goals that you never slow down to enjoy and assess what you have accomplished. Actually, it pretty much sums up my situation, working continually to burn out point, never really being satisfied with what I achieve.

At this juncture I started delving into the dark recesses of my soul, looking at what lies beneath the layers of discarded emotions and memories. Moving through painful recollections of childhood frustrations of rejection and isolation, all because of my idiosyncratic behaviour. A childhood that was spent in a Neptunian fantasy world, expressing myself through my creative and psychic talents and always struggling to be accepted and recognised by my peers and family. In actuality my childhood frustrations and explorations were in fact the grounding for my current path of shamanic witchcraft.

As I move now energetically and spiritually into the colder months, I am reminded that winter is a time of turning inward; a time to assess and let go of what no longer serves me, a time to release what holds me back, and it is also a time of preparing for transformation.

As we progress through the dark aspects of this coming season, may we all acknowledge the voices from our shadow that lies hidden in our emotions and our soul. May we contract into our depths and expand into the purity of our beings; may we apply the alchemy of transformation by honouring our essential self and appreciating  what truly is uniquely special and sacred in our lives and in our hearts.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Carl Jung

Reference: www.astrology.com/allaboutyou/healingsign/capricorn.html

Original digital artwork, “Earth Spirit”,  by Janine Donnellan
(Click on the image for a larger view)

There has been a significant amount of chaos prevailing in and around my life over the past few months. This chaos has precipitated a reflective mood as I digest and ruminate over the events. The end result of this calamity has given me cause to deliberate over the nature of the Cosmic Laws, and how it applies to the human kind.

Occasionally you run into someone who is hiding behind the banner of spirituality, in reality their motives are self-gratifying and counter productive to anything truly spiritual; they live by the ‘anything goes’ or the ‘everyone for themselves’ principle. Some say that this principle is called the Law of the Jungle but this is a common misconception. In actuality it is the exact opposite; when Rudyard Kipling wrote the poem the Law of the Jungle, he was trying to emphasize that ‘the law’ is about the virtues of loyalty, keeping your promises, courage, and respect for other people and acting in accordance with the good of the all. The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling tells the story of Mowgli, a boy separated from his mother by a hungry tiger, who is adopted by a loving wolf pack that teaches him the true nature of the law of the jungle. The first verse of ‘The Law of the Jungle’ states:

Now this is the Law of the Jungle — as old and as true as the sky;
And the Wolf that shall keep it may prosper, but the Wolf that shall break it must die.
As the creeper that girdles the tree-trunk the Law runneth forward and back –
For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.

Unfortunately, the ‘good of the all’, ‘the strength of the pack’ gets lost when people deliberately enforce their own private agendas to the detriment of everyone else. I often question if the Law of Return or the Karmic Laws does have an impact on those that break ‘the law’ assuming that these laws actually exist. One can only hope that there is such a system of applied justice.

Over the centuries there has been much idealism about the ‘good of the all’ for example, ‘All for one, and one for all’ (un pour tous, tous pour un) a motto traditionally associated with the King’s Musketeers in the novel The Three Musketeers written by Alexandre Dumas. In the novel, it was the motto of a trio of French musketeers named Athos, Porthos and Aramis who stayed loyal to each other through thick and thin.

I guess in life you will meet all kinds of people. There are those you meet that have pure intentions, that touch your heart and soul and you give thanks that you are part of their life and they are a part of yours. Through love and support the sense of ‘all’ grows stronger and stronger. Then there are those that are self seeking and create chaos and division; these people randomly come into your life for a reason and can often help you appreciate what you have and can give you the impetus to change what needs to be changed.

I must admit that I’m done with the chaos for the time being and I am looking forward to the ‘going within’ which comes with the onset of the colder months. Samhain is only a few weeks away but already I feel the thinning veil and I long for the comfort of submersing myself into the darkness as I am far more at home and safe in the familiar landscapes of the Otherworlds.

All is one: Nothing stays the same.

In this meditation (which was a part of the “13 Megaliths” ritual conducted by SOL on April 10, 2009) I find myself surrounded by a fog bank and as I move through it Stonehenge appears. Merlin is standing there to greet me and he directs me into the stone circle. I notice that Lilith is crouching on top of one of the megaliths in her serpent aspect. She jumps down and walks alongside Merlin and me, into the centre of the circle.

Original digital artwork, “Lilith the Serpent”, by Janine Donnellan

Within the circle the priestesses of Avalon are assembled for a ritual around a large stone altar which has a spiral design engraved into it. Immediately Lilith jumps upon the altar and proceeds to dance provocatively. The priestesses begin to sing and the High Priestess Vivienne enters the circle carrying a large athame with a mother of pearl handle which has a large hole in its centre. Vivienne raises the athame into the air and positions it in such a way that the hole captures the profile of the full moon. The moon’s rays penetrate the hole and radiates the area of the altar. Vivienne then takes the athame and cuts her right hand and then places her hand over the altar so that the blood drips directly onto the altar. Each priestess in turn cuts her hand and gives blood to the altar.

As each person sacrifices some of their life force to the altar, the blood merges and starts to move around the spiral into the centre of the altar where a small sink hole delivers the blood to the earth. The blood then penetrates the ley lines directly under the Stonehenge which in turn feeds, nourishes and gives healing to mother Earth.

Lilith takes the athame and cuts her hand and then takes my hand and cuts my hand and she presses our hands together. She looks directly at me and says that its part of a shift and that our energies are being merged. Each priestess within the circle presses their hands together allowing the energy to flow from one to another. At that point the meditation ends and I find myself back in the hall.

Mother of Pearl

Mother of Pearl signifies faith, innocence, enhances personal integrity, and helps to provide focus to ones attention. The pearl has been known as a “stone of sincerity”, bringing truth to situations and loyalty to a “cause”. It has been used to inhibit boisterous behaviour, and to provide a reflection of the self such that one may see the manner in which one appears to others. This stone is good for protection.

Mother of Pearl info from http://www.e-jewel.co.il/en/Site_Page_number.aspx?PageID=232

More information regarding the 13 Megaliths Ritual (which included “The Henge” meditation) and past SOL Full Moon Circles can be found in our Book Of Shadows. Please contact us for further details if you would like to attend our Full Moon Circles.

Chaos theory attempts to explain the fact that complex and unpredictable results can and will occur in systems that are sensitive to their initial conditions. This is known as the Butterfly Effect. It states that, in theory, the flutter of a butterfly’s wings in China could, in fact, actually affect weather patterns in New York. In other words, it is possible that a very small occurrence can produce unpredictable and sometimes extreme results by triggering a series of increasingly significant events.

The butterfly that caused the chaos to our Dark Moon circle recently was an intruder of the physical kind that interrupted our meditation and who seemed to herald the onset of chaos. The intrusion definitely resulted in an interesting night by all accounts and our group was certainly shaken out of our comfort zone. At the time I felt that this was a sign of a major shift in energy and the intruder was merely a messenger to forewarn the unexpected. Spirit always acts in partnership with us on this evolutionary journey. Nothing happens by coincidence, everything is planned and staged so that we meet our goals, and sometimes the experiences can be negative in order to help shift our attitudes and self-perception from complacency.

Chaos has been reflected in many aspects of my life since this event. Unexpected opportunities have arisen, some leading to blind alleys and others turning out to have great potential. If we go with the flow, chaos can shift us beyond our limited existence in order to create new and exciting possibilities. This chaos can also catapult us to a higher level of personal and spiritual development if we can integrate it into our lives rather than resist it. If we yield to chaos and learn from it, chaos can be an incredible teacher. The uncertainty and ambiguity of chaos often gives way to greater clarity and understanding of our higher purpose.