Diary of a Heretic

Ah this eclipse is certainly pushing my buttons at the moment, making me restless and frustrated. I am caught in this inbetween place, between what I have to do and what I want to do. I feel like I am being stretched to the absolute limit, pulled to nothingness like sticky toffee. Duty over passion, responsibility over creative pursuits. Its that deep solar plexus discontent that is driving me to the point of ….. there is no word to describe how I feel, only a picture comes to mind of that painting of the Scream.

What is the purpose of this dissatisfaction, this saturnian manipulation, this not so subtle friction and constant rubbing and proding of my emotional contemplation?

I type into Google ‘what is my purpose’ and a website immediately grabs my attention – “If you don’t have passion and purpose, greater productivity wont help you. I read further down the blog ‘Until you discover your ‘fire within’ you will remain condemned to a life only endured, not lived; to delicacies only tasted, not devoured; to joys only imagined, not experienced. And in old age you will lament the days of your youth, when fears about money and security kept you from taking the leaps of faith and courage in the direction of your dreams.” Ok I get it, thats not the point, I have the fire within, I just need to get um ah ……..what? That is the conundrum, the million dollar question.

But in reality I do truly know in the deep bottomless heart of me what I need, I need the courage (the “guts”) to create a life out of doing what I love. I know what I love, I love doing what I do in Spheres Of Light, it is my passion, it is my fire within. So please Universe help me live the life I want to live, give me the space to create, to serve, to just be ME.

So mote it be.

Janine
February 22, 2008

Blog – Alister Cameron

http://www.alistercameron.com/2007/04/28/if-you-dont-have-passion-and-purpose-greater-productivity-wont-help-you/